How to Know If You’re a “Good” Parent

By Lisa Miller

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably asked yourself this question from time to time. For some of us, it's a daily exercise in self-flagellation (or as I like to call it, "bedtime thoughts with anxiety").

Much is written about "good" parenting. Choosing a parenting style is like dining at an all-you-can-eat buffet in Vegas–except you're supposed to pick just one thing, everyone's judging your plate, and somehow you still leave feeling guilty.

Positive parenting. Gentle parenting. Snowplow parenting. Helicopter parenting. Lighthouse parenting. Attachment parenting. Tiger parenting. Panda parenting. Free-range parenting. Dolphin parenting.

I feel bloated, exhausted, and annoyed just thinking about it. TBH, I have spent way too much time pondering this question. Why is there so much emphasis placed on how we parent our children?

Maybe it's because our children are a reflection of us in many ways. They are not a perfect mirror image–more like one of those funhouse mirrors where everything's slightly warped. Our kids learn and internalize our mannerisms, habits, and values. Who they become is directly impacted by the choices we make and the behaviors we exhibit.

So. Much. Pressure. So many opportunities to mess it up. 

Here are some signs you're doing better than you think:

  • You worry about being a good parent 

  • You apologize when you mess up

  • Your kids feel safe telling you hard things (even if those hard things are "I hate your cooking" or "You're so embarrassing")

  • You're willing to change and learn

  • You celebrate their individuality, even when it's inconvenient (like when they decide to be goth. In elementary school.)

  • You set boundaries (even when it's hard or they hate you for it)

  • You repair after conflict

  • You model being human—including making mistakes 

"Good" parenting looks different across cultures, families, circumstances, and socioeconomic strata. For some of us, keeping our children fed and clothed constitutes good parenting. For others, it's getting them to eat a vegetable without a 45-minute negotiation. We're all out here doing our best.

What doesn't make you a “bad” parent:

  • Losing your temper sometimes (raising your voice doesn't cancel out the 10,000 times you didn't)

  • Not enjoying every moment (no one actually enjoys the tantrum in Target. No one.)

  • Needing breaks (or fantasizing about running away to a spa. Or a library. Or literally anywhere.)

  • Making different choices from other parents

  • Having a kid who's struggling (with school, mental health, behavior)

  • Feeling like you're failing (this is basically the baseline parenting emotion)

Now that my kids are grownish (22 and 24), I realize that their identity depends on a wide variety of factors, including their unique personalities, their experiences, and their brain chemistry. Sure, I've influenced them, but so much is beyond my control (and always has been). They are out there making their own choices. Choices I sometimes celebrate and choices I sometimes bite my tongue about (with varying degrees of success). I have also come to accept that I can't take credit for their successes, nor should I take the blame for their failures. They are figuring it out, just like I am. 

When you are wondering if you are a good parent, here are some questions to ask yourself instead:

  • Am I safe for my child to come to?

  • Do I admit when I'm wrong? 

  • Am I growing and learning?

  • Do my kids know I love them, even in hard moments?

  • Am I doing my own work (therapy, self-reflection, doomscrolling parenting Reddit at 2am)?

It's not always a yes for me, but I am willing to work on it, and that's good enough. And if it's not? Well, they can talk about it in therapy, which might mean I did something right. I raised humans who believe in getting help when they need it.

Tatiana Ramos