The Parenting Paradox: How to Be Warm and Firm

By Lisa Miller & Tatiana Guerreiro Ramos

We’ve all been there. Your child "forgot" to do their homework again. You're torn between comforting them (they look genuinely distressed) and holding them accountable (this is the third time this week). You worry that being too strict will damage your relationship, but being too lenient means they'll never learn responsibility. 

Here's what many parents don't realize: connection and expectations aren't opposites—they work together. 

Research consistently shows that kids thrive when they experience both warmth and clear boundaries. The authoritative parenting approach (high connection + high expectations) produces the best outcomes because children feel secure knowing "I am loved" and "there are limits." 

When we separate these two elements, things fall apart: connection without boundaries leaves kids anxious because the world has limits even if we don't, while boundaries without connection create compliance through fear rather than integrity-based behavior. Our children need to know that we see their struggle and that they're still responsible for their choices. 

In practice, this sounds like: "I know you're exhausted and this feels overwhelming right now. I see that. And, you still need to finish this assignment. How can I support you in getting it done?" 

Notice the difference from either extreme—you're not dismissing their emotional experience ("Just do your homework, stop complaining") nor are you removing the expectation ("Poor thing, I'll email your teacher and get you an extension"). You're holding both truths: their feelings are valid, and the work still needs to happen. 

For neurodivergent kids, especially, this balance is crucial. They often need more connection to tolerate expectations, not because they're being manipulative, but because executive function challenges make many tasks feel insurmountable. And when tasks feel insurmountable, these kiddos get stuck in a dysregulation loop that leads to avoidance and shame, which leads to more dysregulation…and infinity.

The key is adjusting how we support them on the journey of meeting the expectation, not whether the expectation exists. This teaches them that struggling doesn't mean failing, and that asking for help is different from avoiding responsibility.

The long game here isn't about perfect balance every single time—some days we'll lean more toward connection when our kid is really struggling, other days we'll need to hold the line more firmly. What matters is the overall pattern. We're teaching our child that relationships can withstand conflict, that being held accountable doesn't mean being unloved, and that the world will offer both support and expectations. 

Kids who grow up with only one or the other may become anxious people-pleasers who can't set boundaries, or rigid rule-followers who struggle with empathy (for themselves and others) and flexibility. 

When we consistently offer both connection and expectations, we're raising someone who knows they're worthy of love and capable of meeting life's challenges. That's the gift that keeps giving long after they've left home.