Stop Bossing, Start Asking: A Parent's PDA Primer

By Lisa Miller

You’re learning about PDA. Welcome! We’ve been expecting you.

Let's start with a fundamental premise: All humans (all living creatures, actually) value and seek autonomy. We all want to be in charge of ourselves and make our own decisions. It's a core human desire.

What exactly is PDA? A recognized profile commonly associated with autism and, more recently, ADHD, PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance. However, most people prefer Persistent Drive for Autonomy or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (the reframing emphasizes the autonomy-seeking rather than pathologizing the behavior). Basically, it means, “Don’t boss me.”

Kids with a PDA profile are hard-wired to crave autonomy even more intensely. When they perceive a loss of autonomy, they may respond with extreme resistance and/or avoidance. This avoidance is driven by anxiety and a need for control—not defiance or laziness.

It's important to understand that demand avoidance isn't willful or oppositional. It's more like a nervous system response to perceived loss of autonomy. Even positive things (invitations, compliments, their own goals) can trigger avoidance. Kids with PDA may experience rapid mood changes, especially when feeling trapped or controlled, and they often implement creative strategies to avoid demands: excuses, distraction, negotiation, or simply shutting down.

Once we understand PDA and stop taking it personally (read: stop telling ourselves "my kid is disrespectful and defiant"), we can shift the way we talk to create more opportunities for autonomy and foster connection.

A good rule of thumb: When you want to give directions or directive feedback, try turning your statement into a question instead. Giving options or choices helps kids with a PDA profile feel less threatened.

For example, with younger kids, you might be tempted to say, "It's time to set the table." Instead, try: "When would you like to set the table—before you have a snack or after?" or "There are a few things that have to get done before dinner. Would you rather set the table or feed the dog?"

Here are some more examples:

Autonomy-Crushing

  • It's time to turn in your phone.

  • You need to come home right after school.

  • I am counting on your help tonight.

  • Have you done the thing I asked you to do?

  • What is your plan?

Autonomy-Respecting

  • Are you ready to turn in your phone, or do you need a few more minutes?

  • I'm hoping you can come straight home after school—does that work for you?

  • I have something I'm hoping you could help with tonight. Is that possible?

  • How's it going with [the task]? Anything I can help with?

  • I'm curious what you're thinking—want to share?

The key shift is from telling to asking and from demanding to collaborating, while still being clear about your needs when necessary.

Will this work 100% of the time? Honestly, no—especially if there's already baggage around communication. Your kiddo might wonder what you've been inhaling that's making you so flexible, and they might be suspicious at first. And yes, there are situations when offering choices just isn't feasible (or safe).

But with practice and patience, we can learn to communicate in less triggering ways. Because let's face it: there is nothing more unpleasant than a kid who's activated and taking everyone down with them. If shifting our language can prevent even some of those meltdowns, that's a win for everyone.

P.S. and BTW, this approach works well with all humans, regardless of age or cognitive profile. Find more resources on PDA here. 

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