Wonder-Based vs Fear-Based Parenting
By Tatiana Guerreiro Ramos
“I’m scared he’s never going to learn the skills he needs to be successful in life.”
“I’m really concerned about their ability to do anything independently.”
“I stay awake at night thinking about all the ways she’s going to fail once she’s out of the house.”
“He’s never going to be able to get into a good college.”
“They’re going to live in my basement forever.”
“I have completely failed as a parent.”
We hear these and other worries all the time in our consults and parent coaching at Classroom Matters. We hear them from parents, caregivers, and students alike. It’s no wonder ours and our children’s anxiety levels are at an all-time high.
I’ve been guilty of thinking and saying these things, too. Especially with my oldest, who was my parenting guinea pig and bore the brunt of most of my own anxiety about producing kind, contributing members of society.
Along my own journey of parenting three neurodivergent humans, I came to realize that parenting from a place of fear was not fostering the emotional connections I wanted with my kids. How could it, when fear makes us more prone to say and do things that drive wedges between our kids and us? Fear-based parenting was leading to disconnection and dysregulation (on my part, mostly).
Let me explain.
When we are in a fearful state, our amygdala senses a threat. It goes into survival mode. Instead of reacting from a calm, connected place, we are responding from an emotionally fragile and fraught space. When we are emotionally fraught rather than calm and connected, we focus on behavior rather than on why the behavior makes sense, and what’s causing it. We can’t see the bigger picture when we are parenting from a place of fear. A bigger picture that includes the arc of development that our kids are in the midst of, as well as the impact we have on it.
Instead, fear-based parenting leads to putting a (red-hot, irritating) laser on things our kids (mostly) can’t control very well yet, like their emotions and their impulses, especially if they are neuro-salty in any way.
On the other hand, when we parent from a place of wonder, literally and figuratively, we can react from a place of curiosity and inquiry. We can replace our least generous assumptions (my kid is lazy, unmotivated, manipulative, etc.) with our most generous interpretation (my child is sad, struggling, not connected, etc.), which allows us to ask things like, “I wonder what my child is grappling with right now?” and, “I wonder why my kiddo feels like they need to lash out?”
Parenting from a place of wonder means, quite literally, wondering how we can best support our children as they navigate a scary and destabilizing world. It also means finding awe in the everyday, wonder-ful ways our kiddos still show up and manage to function - sometimes even thrive - despite what sometimes feels like a daily assault of poo-throwing monkeys trying to throw us all off our paths.
Because you know what?
Connecting with our children and raising happy and emotionally healthy human beings are the most important parts of our jobs as parents. Especially now.
Not monitoring grades.
Not making sure their clothes are folded.
Not enforcing etiquette rules.
Our kids will figure all of those things out if we get out of the way and focus on fostering connection.
In almost 20 years of hiring amazing, gifted tutors at Classroom Matters, Lisa and I have never, not once, asked them what their GPA was in high school (or college, for that matter).
I would argue that the world would be in a much better place if the humans in charge had had caregivers who focused on connection during their upbringing. Imagine what our planet would look like if everyone could listen to understand rather than listen to respond. And if at leader summits, someone was there to ask metacognitive questions and encourage everyone to come from a place of curiosity.
Yeah, our world would be a completely different place.
Here’s what focusing on connection over compliance could look like:
Inviting your child to go out to dinner with you one evening
Asking what, if anything, you can do to support them right now - even making them a simple meal when they get home might be helpful (my 19-year-old came home from a particularly frustrating day at work last week, and making him chicken and rice helped him reset)
Offering to run an errand or pick up their favorite foods/snacks
Asking your kiddo to watch a movie with you
Inviting your child to share with you by sharing things with them; this could be your challenges, your triumphs, your thoughts on what you wish you had done differently at some point in your life; anything, really, as long as you are being honest and real
Asking what they’re looking forward to this summer
Apologizing for losing your shit and offering to do better next time (I had to do this last week after my brain exploded over water that had spilled all over the stairs at the end of a long night of working)
Planning a weekend to do something special - maybe even inviting their friends, too
Offering to help your kiddo do something they’ve been procrastinating on forever - and accepting the no if they decline
Inviting your child to give you feedback about how you’re doing as a parent - this one could be emotional and hard to hear, so steel yourself and remember that our kids learn from what we model for them, not what we tell them to do
Listening to your kiddo in order to hear and see and understand them, instead of to respond
Telling your child they are the most important thing in the world to you, and you are learning so much from them as a parent - DO THIS AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK
If you have mostly been focusing on compliance, expect this process to take longer than you would like. Sit with the discomfort, and use any guilt you have as data for the things you want to change about your relationship with your child(ren), not as a reason to beat yourself up, which serves no one.
I hope this list has prompted you to come up with your own Connection-Over-Compliance ideas. Email me if you’ve been inspired to try some. And remember, we are all doing our best with the tools and resources we have in any given moment. It’s called being human, and we all deserve grace when we aren’t our best selves. Including our children.