Let Them Quit Soccer
By Lisa Miller
So here I am, about to sign my kid up for soccer again (because that's what we do every spring, right?), when they said, "Actually, I don't want to play soccer this year. I want to try an art class." I froze. But…soccer is good exercise. And teamwork. And expensive cleats (that I’ve already purchased). And what if you regret it? What if art class is a waste of money? What if you quit that, too? What if…
I realized I was about to have an existential crisis over spring activities. So I pressed pause and tried to align my response with my goal of building agency.
What is agency, anyway? Agency is the belief that you have choices, your choices matter, and you can actually influence your own life. It's the opposite of being a passenger in someone else's car, just hoping they don't crash. Agency is a core human need.
Agency matters for our kids because it builds resilience. Kids with agency bounce back better. Why? Because when life gets hard (which it inevitably will), they don't just collapse thinking, "Well, I guess this is my life now." They think, "This sucks, what can I do about it?" Even if the answer is "Not much," just asking the question helps. It's the difference between learned helplessness and problem-solving.
Also, when our kids feel a sense of agency, they can be more motivated to do things. You know what kills motivation faster than anything? Being told what to do. All. The. Time. When we pick their activities, their clothes, their homework order, their everything... they stop caring. Because none of it is theirs. But when they get to choose—even small things—suddenly they're invested. Because it matters to them.
Your kid can't "just be themselves" if they never get to decide who that is. They need to try things. Fail at things. Discover what they love and what makes them want to fake a stomachache. That expensive pottery workshop they begged for and quit after two sessions? Annoying, yes. But also data. Agency is how they build identity. Not by doing what we think they should do, but by making choices and learning from them.
If your kid is neurodivergent, the world has probably delivered consistent messages that impede agency: “Focus better, try harder, why can’t you just…” And after a while, they start believing it. They might start to tell themselves, “I can't, I'm broken, nothing I do matters.”
Agency is the antidote. When they get to make choices—about how they learn, what accommodations they need, how they spend their energy—they start believing maybe they can do all the things. Just not the way everyone expects. And that changes everything.
Here are some things to try:
Use agency-promoting language
"What do you think would help?" (instead of "Here's what you need to do.")
"What do you want to try?" ( instead of "You should do this.")
Let them fail (a little)
They picked an art class and hate it? Cool. Now they know.
They wore shorts in winter and got cold? They'll remember a coat next time.
They bombed a test because they didn't study? Natural consequence. (You don't need to add punishment on top.)
Step back
Our job isn't to make every choice for them
Our job is to help them learn to make choices for themselves
Agency isn't about letting our kids run wild and make terrible decisions. It's about giving them space to make small decisions now, so they can make big decisions later. Like all skills, exercising agency takes practice. It's about raising a human who believes: my choices matter, my voice matters, I can shape my own life.
So let them quit soccer. Even if you already bought the cleats. You can donate them. It's fine. I promise.