Building Agency and Why It Matters
By Lisa Miller
Agency is the capacity of individuals to act independently and make their own free choices. It's the end-game of most parenting. Most of us hope our children will grow up to be able to make sound decisions for themselves and live happy productive lives.
Sometimes, however, for a variety of reasons, we thwart our own good intentions. We fail to recognize that our children have a right to make choices and decisions, and are capable of initiating their own learning.
When kids don't feel a sense of agency, they get ornery. They may become defensive, combative, and even mean-spirited. They may lash out at you in illogical ways because they are responding to their (perceived) lack of power and free will.
Building agency is one of the most important things we can do as parents (in addition to giving our children unconditional love and chores), and it helps foster self-directed learning. It also helps our kids feel capable and good about themselves, which might make them less ornery.
But let's be honest, if you like to be in control (as many of us do), building agency can feel tricky and elusive. Likewise, if you endeavor to help your children deal with life's challenges by removing them, building agency is nearly impossible. Who remembers this indictment of snowplow parenting in the NYT a few years ago??
The subject of agency comes up so often in my coaching sessions with parents that over the years I've developed a few simple guidelines to support us all.
1. Listen.
When you spend time listening to your children and understanding what's important to them, you validate their thinking. This makes them feel more capable and confident when it comes time to make decisions. We all want to be heard and taken seriously. Practice active listening, remove any distractions and give them your full attention. Paraphrase what they share with you so they see that you listened and you care.
2. Ask questions (instead of issuing orders) and give options. Give your children meaningful, safe choices.
Would you like pasta or hot dogs for dinner?
Do you prefer to set the table or do the dishes?
Are you available now or in 30 minutes to help me with the laundry?
Do you want to set aside time for homework before you play 45 minutes of video games or after?
Not only do these questions help your child flex their decision-making muscles, but they also help build a suite of executive function skills like planning, prioritizing, emotional regulation, problem-solving, and task initiation.
Already doing this? Pause for a round of applause. Good job! Now take it to the next level by helping your child identify a few important and achievable goals (that they choose), the steps they need to take to reach them, and how to deal with the obstacles they might face. Try using a strategy like WOOP to scaffold the process and to amplify your child’s voice.
3. Be willing to self-evaluate and shift directions.
Ask yourself: Is what I am about to say/do furthering my goal of building agency in my child?
If the answer is I'm not sure or I don't know, then redirect your energy into something that does reinforce your goal. It doesn't serve you or your child when you play the role of an all-knowing problem-solver in the house. When you try to do all the things, you infantilize your child and rob them of important agency-building opportunities. See NYT article above. Instead, get comfortable with failure. Let them make mistakes and help them learn from them.
You've got this! You may need to give up a little control, but the trade-off will be a happier, more self-directed kiddo (who might even solicit your advice every now and then).