The Space Between Hovering and Disappearing
By Lisa Miller
If you follow us on Instagram, you have probably noticed we talk a lot about “butting out” so your kids can figure things out on their own. You may have also noticed our (mostly intentional) unscripted, disheveled vibe. Luckily, we know more about parenting than we do about social media.
For the sake of clarity, hands off does not mean checked out. Stepping back is not the same as stepping away. But it can look that way–to our kids, to other parents, and sometimes even to ourselves.
When we talk about giving our children space to struggle, learn, and grow, we are not talking about disengaging or abdicating our responsibility as parents. We are talking about something more intentional and, arguably, harder than hovering: staying genuinely present while resisting the urge to fix, rescue, or smooth things over. Hands off means trusting your child to figure something out. It means letting a natural consequence land. It means being available without being intrusive. Okay, it’s a bit of alchemy.
Checked out means none of those things. It means you've stopped paying attention, stopped caring about the outcome, or quietly given up. Kids can feel the difference, even when the behavior looks similar from the outside. If you find yourself in this space, please seek support. Parenting is hard, and we all need help sometimes.
The goal of butting out is not detachment. It is what we might call engaged restraint: caring deeply while acting minimally. It requires us to tolerate our own discomfort, to resist the pull to intervene, and to hold the belief that our child is more capable than the moment makes them appear (or than they actually are), because they need opportunities to try and fail.
Parental authority doesn't disappear when we step back. What it looks like:
Setting clear expectations in advance, so our children know where the boundaries are before they test them
Following through on consequences consistently, even when it's uncomfortable
Checking in without interrogating ( "how did that go?" rather than "why didn't you do it this way?")
Being a calm, steady presence in the background rather than the anxious voice in the foreground
But here’s the thing. It also requires us to stay close enough to notice when they genuinely need us–because hands-off does not mean unreachable. We are shifting our role from manager to mentor, from doer to guide. This shift can be one of the hardest for us parents to make, but the payoff is a capable, self-directed, happy kiddo!